Looking for love?

Posted on July 28, 2010
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

I was recently reading the first section of the new book “Pornland: How Porn has Highjacked Our Sexuality“and ran across this tagline the author found on a pornography site.  It said, “Don’t Come Here Looking for Love.”

Now, that’s probably the only honest thing one would find on a porn site.

Love is about mutual respect.  It’s about fidelity.  It’s about sacrifice.  It’s about giving (not taking).  They’re right…. there is no love in pornography.  As a matter of fact, pornography is the opposite of love.  It’s about exploitation.  It exploits and uses those who make it.  It exploits and robs those who view it.  And, sadly, it traumatizes the romantic partners of those who view it.

I wish that tagline would say a little more.  Perhaps there could be a warning label like on a cigarette package.  As a matter of fact, Wendy Maltz has already written such a warning label.  You can download it here: Hazards of Porn – Wendy Maltz

I am not my body

Posted on July 20, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

I am a fan of Stephanie Nielson’s blog “The NieNie Diaglogues.”   I love her stories of her marriage, her children, and her observations about ordinary life.  What I love most, however, is her message that she is not her body.  Stephanie was involved in a near-fatal plane crash in 2008 where she was burned on over 80% of her body.  She has chronicled her journey through multiple surgeries and excruciating rehabilitation.

Her husband, Mr. Nielson, as she affectionately refers to him, was burned on over 30% of his body.  Together, they have inspired thousands, if not millions, to keep moving forward when the pain seems unbearable.  Even though the source of their pain was originally physical and didn’t come from betrayal, there are still powerful messages of hope and healing in their story.

Her body has drastically changed (check out her blog and you’ll see pictures of her before the crash), but she isn’t hiding from the world.  She posts pictures of her body, scars and all.

This is such a different message from the perfection-obsessed media that Photoshops every image to match the “official body” requirements of the fashion and celebrity circus.  Magazine covers talk about getting perfect lips,  perfect thighs, perfect sex, perfect blah blah blah.

Read Stephanie’s blog to understand what really matters.  Trust me…. you’ll be moved by her message.

I love Stephanie’s courage and resolve to show the world who she really is.  I’m grateful she did.  I’m certainly a better man because of her example.

More women lured to pornography addiction

Posted on July 12, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

The Washington Times recent ran an article citing some statistics about women’s use of pornography.  One thing the article mentions is that when women use pornography, they are more likely to become victims of nonconsensual sex.  This is a terrible combination.   If men who use pornography are more likely to manipulate to get a sexual experience and women who view pornography are more likely to go along with it, then how can this be good for relationships, marriages, and families.  Many popular media outlets such as Oprah and other women’s magazines often cite the relationship benefits of pornography and erotica.  They talk about how wonderful it is for couples to “spice up” their marriages.  They talk about being more open-minded and less prudish.  They parade porn stars on their shows and talk about the glamour of the business.  It’s all a lie.  Jill Manning, PhD, says that the pornography industry and the mass media (who appear to all be working pretty well together) don’t tell you that “sex may sell, but showing sexually transmitted diseases, addictions, failing relationships, unwanted pregnancies, less than perfect bodies, sexual abuse, and mental illness tends to have a negative effect on profits.”  Women and men are being sold a fraudulent message and individual lives, marriages, families, and society are paying the price.

LifeSTAR Video Testimonial

Posted on July 7, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

A woman married to a man struggling with pornography / sexual addiction tells her story about how the LifeSTAR program has helped them strengthen their marriage as well as their individual lives.

Do we tell the children?

Posted on July 7, 2010
Filed Under Disclosure, General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

If you or someone you love is struggling with a pornography or sexual addiction, it’s common to wonder if and when family members, especially children and teenagers, should learn about the addictive behaviors.  This is a delicate issue that often requires seeking the counsel of a trusted professional who specializes in treating pornography and sexual addiction.

However, here are a few points to consider when deciding if you should talk with your children about the addictive behaviors:

1.  What they already know - Unfortunately, some children discover or learn about a parent’s pornography or sexual acting out behavior on accident.  They may walk in on a parent using pornography, overhear a discussion between their parents, or find text messages or other evidence of the problematic behavior.  If this is the case, it’s critical to own up to the behaviors they’ve discovered and tell them the truth.  You don’t need to add more information, but they need to know that what they saw or discovered was real.

2.  The age and gender of the child – Younger children can understand the concept that a parent made a mistake and is getting help for it.  Older children can benefit from a parent talking more specifically about the type of help they’re getting.  A teenage girl may be traumatized by learning of her father’s pornography use.  A teenage son may be more understanding.  What to say, if anything, is something that needs careful consideration and consultation.

3.  Will it help the child? – If you have a child who struggles with pornography or other sexual behaviors, it can be helpful to let them know that you understand their struggle.  You don’t need to disclose any specific details, however, you’re willingness to connect with them about their sexual struggles will help break through their denial and help them feel validated and supported.

Seeing with compassion

Posted on July 6, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment, Trauma and pornography addiction | Leave a Comment

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”Pema Chodron

Healthy long-term recovery from pornography and sexual addiction as well as the trauma experienced by injured partners involves being able to see oneself more clearly.  This allows couples to heal more authentically.  When one can sit with the intense emotions and thoughts that come from our experiences, relationships, personalities, disappointments, and other sources, the compassion can start to flow and real connection begins to happen.

Feeling safe

Posted on June 21, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

- Dinah Craik (1826-1887), English poet and novelist

I believe one of the most healing things about recovery is learning to open up and be vulnerable with other people.  When individuals (both those who struggle and their partners) begin attending groups, 12-step meetings, or talking to someone they trust, something important begins to happen.  They start to feel safe.  For some individuals, this is the first time they’ve felt safe with another person.

Recovery isn’t just about stopping a behavior.  It’s about healing relationships.

Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage – 6 CD Series Now Available

Posted on June 10, 2010
Filed Under Couples Pornography Addiction Recovery, General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, St. George Utah Pornography Addiction Treatment | Leave a Comment

The discovery of a pornography addiction in a committed relationship often sends a couple into a confusing world of mistrust, disorientation, and insecurity.  Join myself and Dr. Kevin Skinner, both specialists in treating pornography addiction, as we compassionately address common questions and dilemmas faced by couples throughout all stages of recovery from pornography addiction.

The specific recovery needs unique to addicts, injured partners, and the couple will be outlined.  Additionally, couples will not only learn how to begin healing from the effects of pornography addiction, but will also gain valuable insights on how they can start to build long-term trust and intimacy.

In this six part series couples will learn:

Visit www.marriage-recovery.com to learn more and purchase

Looking for crumbs

Posted on June 6, 2010
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction | Leave a Comment

I once had a client tell me that he was “looking for crumbs” one evening while he was home alone.  He had experienced a prolonged period of sobriety from viewing hardcore Internet pornography, but he recognized how he was constantly scanning his environment for any “crumbs” that would give him a little rush of excitement.  He acknowledged that he would scan magazine covers, look lustfully at women, and not turn the channel on TV when racy commercials would come on.  He recognized that he had been allowing himself to believe that these things didn’t count because they weren’t in the same league as the pornography he had allowed himself to view in the past.

He recognized that “looking for crumbs” meant that he will still trying to get a hit from anything that would create a buzz.

This was an important moment in his recovery work.  An honest assessment of his commitment and and honest adjustment in his journey.

It’s easy to recognize when certain lines are crossed.  ”Looking for crumbs” is an internal measure of commitment to healthy recovery.

Next Phase 1 “Getting Started Workshop” begins 6/15/10

Posted on June 5, 2010
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

We’re excited to begin the next LifeSTAR Phase 1 “Getting Started Workshop” here at LifeSTAR of St. George, UT. We will begin on Tuesday, June 15, 2010 and run the class for six weeks. It’s held on Tuesday evenings from 6:30pm – 9:30pm.  This nationally acclaimed workshop is for couples and individual affected by pornography or sexual addiction.

Contact our office to reserve your spot in the group.  We look forward to being a part of your recovery journey!

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