Where is the line?
Posted on October 27, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
I have lots of inquiries from well-meaning individuals who want to know where the line is as it relates to infidelity. Some wonder if the adage “you can look but don’t touch” counts as infidelity. Most people would agree (minus Bill Clinton) that any sort of sexual contact is considered infidelity. I prefer the use the following definition that was given by a religious leader by the name of Gene R. Cook. He said, “You are not to turn on or be turned on by anyone that is not your spouse.”
This definition requires the listener to consider how their actions, thoughts and feelings are affecting them and those around them. I believe we could all use a little more self and other-awareness. I like that his definition refutes the “look but don’t touch” belief. Additionally, it keeps sexual energy where it belongs - in the stability and safety of a marriage relationship.
What do you think of his definition?
Porn and culture
Posted on October 7, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Here is a recent article from Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/id/162792/output/print
I appreciate the writer’s desire to expose the effect that pornography is having on popular culture, but I believe they are victims of the same seduction. They seem confused by whether or not porn really has a place in our culture. Of course, I do not believe it has a place. I believe it miseducates and distorts and destroys healthy sexuality, men, women, and intimacy. Read it for yourself and decide what you think!
Porn Addicts Can Heal
Posted on July 25, 2008
Filed Under Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Here’s a great article in a recent edition of The Washington Times that explains not only the insanity of pornography addiction, but also the hope for healing. I see men and women healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction everyday in my practice. It’s not worth keeping secret or trying to fix alone. CLICK HERE for the article
Judging Pornography
Posted on June 19, 2008
Filed Under In the news/media | Leave a Comment
Here is a great article on Townhall.com that describes some of the pervasiveness of pornography not only in the larger culture, but among the very judges who are hearing cases on obscenity. It’s worth a read
Who should we tell?
Posted on May 19, 2008
Filed Under Disclosure | 1 Comment
Those who struggle with pornography addiction and other compulsive sexual behaviors often wonder how to handle disclosure about their struggle. Many of them spend years trying to keep their addiction secret. However, there comes a point where they desire to share the burden with another. This may happen accidentally when they are discovered by a loved one, an employer, or a friend. Sometimes they decide that they are finally going to say something and decide to break the silence on their own.
Living with a secret like this creates a fiery inner conflict that is hard to quench without opening up to another person. For those who haven’t told anyone of their struggle, my advice to you is to tell someone who you trust. There doesn’t need to be any script or rehearsal. Just open up and tell them that you are struggling. You’ll feel better and then you can start planning what to do next.
If you were discovered accidentally, it’s important that you acknowledge that you have a problem and then commit to get help for it. Please know that it will probably be more difficult to restore trust since you didn’t initially come forward. It will most likely appear that you are only changing because you got caught.
Once the secret is out, the next question is usually, “who else needs to know?”
In the beginning, there is a lot of caution and anxiety around what people will think of you when they find out about your addiction. Sometimes partners feel like they don’t want others to know as well. This is normal. I recommend that you tell people who can keep confidences. This may be a parent, a friend, a church leader, or a therapist. Additionally, the people you tell should be good listeners and non-judgemental.
If you are married or in a committed relationship, it’s important that you tell your significant other about your struggle. There will be a point in your recovery where you will go through a full disclosure with your partner, but it’s important to let them know as soon as possible that you struggle. The partner will typically have a strong reaction and may require some time and space to figure out what to do next. This is normal and should be allowed. The addict will often feel a sense of relief while the partner goes through a sense of shock, trauma, and feeling burdened by the disclosure. As a result, the partner will often want to seek outside support.
I often counsel couples that it’s important to respect each other’s need for privacy and confidentiality. This can be done by letting your partner know who you want to talk with about the addiction. This goes for both partners. I’m not encouraging couples to keep secrets. Instead, I’m asking them to respect privacy so that there is a better chance for safety and healing.
Including others in your recovery process is critical. Again, addictions thrive in secrecy, so having someone to talk to about your situation is therapeutic and healthy. Whether you choose to disclose to a therapy group, a counselor, a church leader, family, or friends, please know that your courage to speak up and come out of hiding will make a huge difference in your healing.
What is addiction, really?
Posted on May 14, 2008
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction | 1 Comment
In my work as a sexual addictions therapist, clients often wonder if they’re really addicted to pornography or other forms of sexually acting out. I think the word “addiction” freaks people out. The idea of being an “addict” usually kicks in the denial system and prevents them from ever looking at how serious their problem might really be.
If you’re not sure, then consider the following thoughts:
- If you want to stop, but can’t, then you’re probably addicted. In other words, if you cannot control the rate, frequency, or duration of the behaviors, it’s unmanageable. (example: every three months he looks at porn. He promises himself he won’t do it again, but finds himself sneaking a peek for a few minutes and keeps it secret).
- If you require more experiences to get the same effect, then you’re probably addicted (example: he keeps looking for different images hoping to find the right one that will do it for him)
- If your behavior is causing life consequences or will cause life consequences if the right people find out, then you’re probably addicted. Life consequences include relationship trouble, job trouble, loss of self-respect, etc. (example: if his wife found out he was looking, she’d be very angry, probably leave, or maybe even divorce him).
If you answered “yes” to any of the following statements, then I recommend you start talking with someone immediately about your situation. That someone should be a person that can help you. Secrecy is the lifeblood of addiction. Remember that having an addiction isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. Not doing something about it is.