Slow down
Posted on November 1, 2009
Filed Under Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Shame, self-care | Leave a Comment
Just finished reading this great commentary from Bob Greene on CNN.com on the need to slow down and connect in real-time. Individuals who struggle with pornography addiction and their partners often feel disconnected from the people who matter most to them. Their lives feel unorganized and chaotic. This is in large part to the disconnected experience that comes from shame. Shame makes us feel like we’re outside of ourselves. Whether it’s the shame of violating your own standards or the shame of feeling rejected and unloved because of someone’s choices, the disconnection still impacts the way life feels.
A major recovery task is to slow down and notice what’s around you. Unplug, turn off the phone, spend time doing nothing with those you love.
My wife recently started sitting outside at dusk to feel connected and recharged. She stops working around the house with the kids and goes outside to sit in a patio chair in front of our house. We’ve started following her out there to sit and enjoy the waning sunshine. It’s a warm, calm, and peaceful moment that lasts only about 20 minutes. It’s made a huge difference in the pace and energy of our evenings.
I’ve challenged many of my clients to start slowing down more and experience life without pressures and schedules. What can you slow down right now?
Pornography use among adolescents
Posted on October 23, 2009
Filed Under Adolescent Pornography Addiction, In the news/media, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography | Leave a Comment
Geoff Steurer and Jeff Ford were interviewed for an article in “Today in Dixie”, a weekly newspaper published in St. George, UT. The article discusses the prevalence of adolescent pornography use and discusses the new YouthSTAR program available for teens ages 12-17. Read the article HERE
“Fake” is the new “Real”
Posted on October 18, 2009
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Partners of pornography addicts, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Families from Pornography, Shame | Leave a Comment
Men and women are falling prey to the impossible standards of beauty perpetuated by the media. Magazine editors admit that virtually EVERY photo in today’s magazines has been modified. Most local family photographers also report that their clients demand photo retouching as part of the portrait package. It’s not okay to look “real” anymore. ”Fake” is the new “real” and it’s driving people to be unhappy with their own and their partner’s appearances. Body image dissatisfaction among women and girls is higher than it’s ever been. Addiction to pornography in all it’s form is rampant. Imagine what would happen if we slowed down our media consumption and spent more time connecting with REAL people in REAL relationships in REAL time.
An insult to our divine nature
Posted on October 17, 2009
Filed Under Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography | Leave a Comment
I ran across an important quote by Jill Manning, PhD, author of “What’s the Big Deal About Pornography: A Guide for the Internet Generation”:
“I believe pornography is the most successfully marketed insult and attack on our divine nature as human beings that has ever existed. There’s never been anything so calculated and widespread and so effective at reaching so many people at such a young age.”
Pretty sobering thought when you consider that the largest group viewing Internet pornography are 12-17 year olds. Make no mistake…..it hurts them.
A better Internet
Posted on July 13, 2009
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, In the news/media, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography | Leave a Comment
If you haven’t heard of the CP80 initiative, it’s time to get informed! This is a group who is lobbying to divide the Internet up into different ports for different purposes. Much like cable TV, the CP80 group is interested in creating a community port where there is no access to inappropriate material. The “adult” port would be a separate port where pornographers can post their websites without worrying that their rights are being trampled on. The rest of us can simply choose to not subscribe to the “adult” port, stay on the community port, and not worry about having our families a click away from pornography.
Of course, this is something that the pornography industry wouldn’t be very excited about. Like the cigarette and alcohol industries, the pornography industry relies on exposing young people to their addictive products to create lifetime consumers. If the chance of early exposure is taken away, they might not be able to create the type of customer base they currently enjoy.
CP80 produced a documentary on their efforts called “Traffic Control“. I highly recommend purchasing a copy of this documentary. It’s sobering, to say the least.
CP80 is another example of what happens when concerned citizens band together to protect families. Let’s support their efforts!
Do not fear
Posted on June 24, 2009
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography | Leave a Comment
“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” - Marie Curie
Many of the men and women I work with who are affected by pornography/sexual addiction experience intense feelings of fear. They fear that the addiction will never go away. They fear that they will be exposed to pornography again in the future. They fear that they won’t be able to resist looking. They fear their children will be exposed to pornography. The list goes on.
The fears are understandable. The toll that pornography/sexual addiction exacts on individuals and families is profound and it most certainly grabs the attention of those affected by it.
However, fear is something that makes it harder to fight this dreaded scourge.
Individuals who work to understand this problem become better able to overcome it and prevent it from affecting themselves and those they love. These same individuals are able to overcome their fear and discomfort of this topic and they learn how to talk about it with their children and other loved ones.
There is nothing mysterious about pornography/sexual addiction. We know how and why people become addicted and we know how to help them out. It’s important to square up to this problem and talk openly about it how it affects all of us and continue to develop solutions to help people move toward complete healing.
The sanctity of womanhood
Posted on June 17, 2009
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Protecting Children from Pornography, Protecting Families from Pornography | Leave a Comment
I’ve been behind on posting to this blog for a week due to the arrival of my first daughter. She was born last week and is doing very well. Even though I have three sons, welcoming a daughter into our family has caused me to ponder on the sacredness of womanhood. Pornography makes a complete mockery of womanhood as those who produce and consume pornography objectify, control, and manipulate women’s bodies for self-gratification. Although I’ve taught for years the truth that viewing these “actresses” as somebody’s daughter can help addicts reduce objectification and fantasy, I can’t help but feel the truth about this idea more forcefully now that I have my own daughter in my home.
The desire I have to protect my daughter’s body, her dignity, and honor is difficult to describe. The thought of others using her body to satisfy their own urges fills me with disgust and anger. My own commitment to teach others to respect the bodies, spirits, and dignity of women everywhere has been fortified tenfold. I am thrilled to have her in our home and to have the chance to show this special little girl how much value and worth she has. Even though she will be raised in a world where she will feel compared and judged by her body, I will do my part to reassure her regularly that her body is a gift to help her experience life to the fullest. She will learn that her body is a blessing to her and she doens’t need to be ashamed of it by overfocusing on it.
The devaluation of women in our sex-saturated world is attempting to change the way we all feel about women. We must resist these lies and reconnect with the sanctity of womanhood and the joy that comes from showing proper respect to all women everywhere.
Shame and Identity
Posted on June 9, 2009
Filed Under General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Shame | Leave a Comment
Maurine Proctor, editor-in-chief for Meridian Magazine, an online LDS magazine, recently wrote two fantastic articles on the topics of shame and identity. Since sexual addiction kills the spirituality of those who struggle with it, it’s critical that spiritual solutions are sought out as the basis treatment. Understanding personal worth and value, especially how God sees us, is critical to our emotional and spiritual well-being. Those who enter and stay in long-term recovery understand their true worth and value. They don’t berate themselves for mistakes. They learn from mistakes and continue to move forward with gratitude for the lessons learned. God is not some umpire waiting to call us out. He’s a loving Father who seeks after the well-being and safety of His children. Thank you, Maurine, for teaching such powerful truths on shame and identity. Exposing these falsehoods is a major step in healing sexual addiction.
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and addiction
Posted on June 7, 2009
Filed Under PTSD, Partners of pornography addicts, Trauma and pornography addiction | Leave a Comment
Here is an excellent educational video on posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Virtually every partner who discovers her husband’s or boyfriend’s use of pornography experiences symptoms of PTSD. Women experience feelings of anxiety, shock, anger, numbing, intrusive thoughts, panic, and other symptoms that disrupt their lives. This video explains the seriousness of PTSD and the need to seek help for this condition. The good news is that it’s treatable. Partners need a chance to tell their stories in a safe and supportive environment. 12-step groups and group therapy are two excellent ways to help partners find support and direction to help them heal their symptoms. One of the most powerful ways to help partners heal their trauma symptoms is for their husband or boyfriend to commit to full recovery and over time learn how to hear her pain and learn how to stay emotionally connected to her. This is very soothing to her and lets her know that she’s going to be safe. This can be difficult and often requires professional help, as the addict is both a source of pain and comfort for her. If the partner has experienced previous traumas in her life, such as abuse or abandonment, she will have more difficult recovering from the impact of his sexual addiction without some professional intervention.
Many men who struggle with sexual addiction are also trauma survivors. Many of them are abuse survivors and many have been physically and/or emotionally abandoned in their families. The addiction creates trauma as well since the addicts experience tremendous powerlessness and consequences. Understanding trauma and it’s impact on our brains, bodies, and relationships to others is a critical part of individual and couples recovery.
Isolation and Self-Loathing
Posted on June 6, 2009
Filed Under Disclosure, General Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Shame | Leave a Comment
I think one of the most dangerous conditions a recovering individual can experience is the combination of feeling self-loathing and isolation. Self-loathing, or shame, is a common experience for those in recovery. It is usually something most recovering individuals feel long before their addiction starts (as you know, addiction is actually a cover-up for feelings of shame….more on this in a future blog post). This self-loathing is based in the belief that one is unacceptable to others, including God. Because of these feelings of shame, most addicts are tempted to stay in isolation and secrecy. They hide from their most important relationships and don’t want to be exposed with their mistakes. It’s difficult for them to see their mistake as learning opportunities. Instead, the mistakes reaffirm their feelings of self-loathing, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of negativity. The only way to break out of this negative spiral is to come out of hiding and talk with someone who is safe. With practice, the continued connection to others in this way begins to chip away at the feelings of self-loathing with are then replaced with truth about an individual’s worth and value.
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